I have spent the past few days or should I say past couple of weeks reflecting on my life. The other day it marked a year since I submitted my dissertation for my Masters and finished my course. I remember crying my eyes out on the train home from Liverpool. I should have been relieved, I should have been proud but I wasn't. I was filled with dread and disappointment, I had worked right up to the deadline. I ended up having a mini panic attack and crying uncontrollably in the library when I was submitting it, I was shaking that much I could barely use the computer mouse to click the submit button. I had been battling with so much anxiety and worry for months, I had gone through the worst few months of my life. Some days I just did not want to get out of bed in the morning. I was hardly sleeping due to worrying uncontrollably. I'd had counselling but in reality I needed more professional help with my mental health. Looking back at it now, I thought I was out of a bad place, but I wasn’t. I have only just really got out of that bad place now and we are a year on. I am not going to lie, it has been a hard year. I know it has been difficult for everyone, I mean we are in a pandemic and who knows when it is all going to end. But personally, it has been difficult too. I have been having high intensity Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) for over 6 months now and it has changed my life, for the better that is. I have learnt so much about CBT and most importantly it has allowed me to learn so much about myself, about where I stand and present myself in the world around me. I have learnt how to set boundaries and not be sorry for sticking to them. I have learnt what my core beliefs are and how you can unlearn these and alter them to be a more positive reflection of yourself. Most importantly, I have learnt how to be kind to myself. I will no longer settle. I will no longer diminish my achievements. I have put myself down for far too long. I am intelligent, I am strong and I am beautiful. This is what I have to tell myself everyday.
I have had countless issues over the past 18 months, issues with sleeping, worrying, body image as well as a range of symptoms of both anxiety and depression. A lot of this stems from events that have happened in my personal life that have caused me to have deep rooted issues with my self esteem. I feel like this is something I have most probably suffered with my whole life, it has always been there, deep under the surface and then last year when I went through a breakup, all of these issues just suddenly appeared and reared their ugly heads. I feel like it is something I will always struggle with but the most important thing is that now I have learnt to control it and that is because of therapy (I also must credit my amazing family and friends for everything they support me with, only a handful know the extent of my issues but I am so grateful for all that they do for me).
I get it, the concept of therapy is scary. Having to just talk about yourself, your problems, telling your deepest darkest secrets and thoughts to a stranger is overwhelming in itself. It wasn’t so hard for me as I am such a chatterbox and really quite an open book. For some people though, it is their worst nightmare and they just cannot face it. For some it doesn’t seem to work and that is also okay. One thing I have learnt though is you have to give it time, you have to trust the process. It is by no means an overnight fix, not even a few weeks or months. Therapy is I suppose a life long commitment. It is a life long commitment to yourself and your wellbeing. It is a bit like a relationship in a way, it has its ups and downs, sometimes you make progress, sometimes you don't. It is one of the most valuable relationships you will ever have though. It needs to be normalised, it needs to be encouraged and it needs to be more accessible.
Having therapy is brave. So if you know someone who is accessing any kind of therapy/counselling, please don't shame or belittle them for this. Having therapy is emotionally and physically draining. So don't bombard them with questions straight away afterwards, give them time to recover and let them know you are there if they need anything. Having therapy is a normal thing to do.
All of this is only from my personal experience and no two peoples journey with therapy will be the same. Personally, I just want to be open and I want to be real because I still think therapy is something we keep a secret, something that we can be embarrassed about. Some people like their privacy and everyone is entitled to that. I know though that if therapy was normalised, the world would be a better place. If what I write here resonates with just one person then I will feel like I have accomplished something in the long road to helping normalise therapy. I am quite lucky as well as I have never had to be put on a waiting list really, I self referred myself and the process happened quite quickly but I know not everyone has this same positive experience. If you haven't, keep going, keep fighting. You will get there. You can do it. Finally, if you are reading this and you can relate to any of my before therapy experiences then do it. Go to therapy. It might just save your life.
Thank you for listening.
Chlo x
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If you are struggling in anyway and need to talk or have any questions then my messages are always open.
Alternatively, you can contact Samaritans on 116 123, 24 hours a day, 365 days of the year.
For more information regarding mental health and different therapies/counselling you can access the following links